The Chinese, They Like It Rough!

Wow, I can't believe it's already been another week! Let's see, we moved into our new apartment, Samantha began riding the school bus all by herself (with her teacher of course), and it's almost my birthday.

So, here's a highlight! Today I had the day to myself and since it's my birthday tomorrow I decided to spend it with a little pampering. Okay, a lot of pampering, but I digress!

I went with the Women's club to a shopping area, but it was boring so I decided to cut out early for better pampering. Got a relaxing one hour manicure ($20.00), not too shabby, then I decided to really go all out and get a massage.

Here's where this day really went psycho! So, I walk into this massage parlor and it seems very nice although the smell of incense burning about knocked me unconscious and I was led past many V.I.P. and private hotel type rooms which I am sure are there for those Extra Special Massages, but to each their own right?

So, I am placed in a room and left there for a minute. No one asks me to strip down which seems strange, I 've never had a massage with all my clothes on before, but as it turns out, I am wayyyy thankful I was not naked for this!

After about five minutes, in walks this 4 foot tall, little Chinese guy! Now I have had a lot of massages in the past so the messuer being a man does not bother me, especially since I am still in my street clothes, even my shoes are on, but I am still thinking if anything strange pokes me I am so outta here!

He tells me to lay down on the table face down, no problem, normal start to the process I think! Then he proceeds to pound on my back like I slid out of a can of freakin Spam or something. Literally beating me like I am chopped liver. My newly painted fingernails are digging into the massage table as I try my best to keep breathing without screaming! I mean, it was brutal. He is using his elbows and all the weight he can put on them to knead my back into a Kindergarten Play-dough disaster. All the way up and down my spine this jerk is jabbing into me in a circular motion with those boney ass elbows of his!

The whole time he is beating me like his bitch, I am trying not to scream and just waiting for Ashton Kutcher to hurry his ass up and barge in to tell me I've been *Punked*. I mean this was hurting like hell!

Now I know from past massages that when they find a spot and you react by laughing or crying, that spot is where the energy has collected so they have to really work that spot to get the energy to flow outward and throughout your body. (or some crap like that), so of course everytime I grunt or whine, he thinks he has found that spot and pounds away even freakin harder.

Also no matter where I have been or what type of massage I have gotten, never has anyone massaged my ass for 20 minutes straight. So that was causing some concern, but I was so thankful it wasn't hurting that I just used the time to recover and try to start breathing again!

Finally, he tells me to turn on my side, I am very relieved because what damage can he possibly cause while I'm just laying on my side right? WRONG, he bends my leg, has my stretch out my arms wide. He puts one hand on my shoulder, his other on my hip and then twists me like a pretzel while I hear atleast 5 vertebrae crack and pop!

I have never let anyone pop my back or my neck. I am way to chicken shit for that, so this little surprise about made me wet myself! Then he has the nerve to tell me to roll over on the other side! Is he just totally sadistic or what?

If I could speak Mandarin, I would have long before hand told him look, if your day has been that shitty, why don't you just go home instead of using me as a stress reliever! I mean doesn't he realize the whole point of this was because my body is going to be a whole year older tomorrow? It can't handle this crap like it used to!

So of course to be fair to my body, I have to roll over and go through it again, because by this time I am afraid if I don't the whole friggin' right side of my body may quite working and I will just have to drag it around for the next 40 years.

Now for the cool down. I am told to sit on a stool. Thank God Almighty, maybe I can use this obvious shoulder rubbing to recover. WRONG AGAIN, he presses every pressure point I have causing me to flinch all the while telling me how tense I am, DUH no shit Sherlock. You have successfully whipped me like potatoes for the last 50 minutes and I'm retarded enough to be paying for this nightmare!

So, instead of  nice shoulder rub, he decides it's neccessary to place on hand against my forhead, other hand on my chin and twist my neck until it pops. Same move they use in movies to KILL people folks. Then of course has to freakin do the other side.

He then shakes out my arms and tells me to go home and relax. Is this asshole for real? By the end I was nauseous, in tears, and ready to tell any secrets I might have to make the torture stop.

I am convinced I will be covered with bruises tomorrow! If I don't get a stinkin' Ipad and some Burberry out of this birthday I may just offer to give Dan a nice massage as a gift!

So I hope this little tale of terror will make you even more THANKFUL that instead of meany massuses, you will be with family eating way too much food and watching way too much football!

We love you!