They shoot the white girl first in Paradise.
Okay, this has been a psycho week for sure, but more emotionaly than culturaly. I have been a Bi-Polar Bear set on rapid cycle. Dare I blame the meds.?
But I did not fail to notice some extreme tid bits for you to chew on this week!
Let's start with the humongous recipe for failure that was Husky Energy's Lunar New Year party last Friday night. I am now convinced it was all a plot by Chinese women to make us Westerner's feel really, really, friggin' fat! (just incase we don't already!) Obviously they have no idea the insecurities that reside in every warm blooded American woman!
So Husky plans this So-Fab party last Friday night. Now in the states So-Fab parties are sooooo simple. Decent food, OPEN BAR, and Done! Right?
Not so in this always the opposite country! Here the childish imaginations of the Chinese are set free and it's not pretty folks. Chuck E. Cheese all they way and they love it! So, it was therefore decided that this party of course have an ulra-cheesy theme. They chose "Shanghai in the 20's". Wow, this screamed nightmare for us white ladies from the word GO! First we all had to buy traditional dresses. Now you would think that nothing would turn me on more than a company demand for me to spend Dan's money, but this was just too big and so ofcourse I put it off until I was down to the final week. Some helpful friends told me that they had "Ready Made" dresses in a shopping enormi called Louhou. So we all make a date a trek out there. Not an easy jog let me tell you. And yes, there were stores and stores of ready made dresses (MAYBE FOR BARBIE). Apparently the term "Western Sizes" does not include owning Child Bearing width Hips or shall I dare say it, BREASTS!!!!!! Yes folks, items of which Iadmit I have more than my fair share of both!
So by this point, an hour of china traffic, a huge, crappy mall I have never been to, and now I am stressing! I have exactly one week to find what I will never, ever find. A dress I can zip up!
Finally it is suggested that I just buy the fabric and have it custom made. So, in 4 days and at only DOUBLE the price I finally get to haul my BFA back out there to pick up my custom made, tailor fitted nightmare of a garment! So the big party arrives. All of us show up at the Kempinsky hotel's ballroom. and my jaw drops! Only us westerners are wearing the suggested clothing. The Chinese are not! So, we all look like Wanna-Be Veitnamese Hookers while the Chinese girls are dressed elegantly in Modern Formal Wear! To this I scream, WTF! The Chinese can not stick to their own freakin' plan! They just don't have enough common sense. But otherwise, the food was nasty, the ass kissing exhausting, and we were finally allowed to go home!
Now for a little Asian Humor...........(if that even exists)
For those of you geography drop-outs like myself, Shenzhen is on the Southern most tip of China. We live along a coastline with no beach. So the city is long and thin rather than wide and open, because there is Water on one side and Mountains on the other and the city just winds along the coast. I'm telling you this because there is one major street called Nanhai Blvd. which is alot like Hwy. 6. Two Starbucks, all the restaurants and banks, and of course Wal-Mart. On the North of this main street is where most apartments are like ours and also Jingshan Villas which is the Chevron founded compound where oil industry families live and where the International School is. Now, one the south side of Nanhai is a place commonly referred to simply as "Chicken Street". I have no idea why! It is simply a back street that I never have any need to go on so I have not until recently paid it any attention. That was until I went to the S.O.S. Medical Clinic which is located on Chicken Street. But guess what else is on Chicken street. No, not one Chicken but about 10 whore houses and many more nasty clubs! All with very imaginative names like; Good Love, Rabbit Hole, Long Drinks, etc. Oh yes, it's a veritable feast for any gross, desperate, horny westerner to go find a good time and is fully stocked with poor, hoochie chinese girls who are hoping to find love and a Green Card! Still, what this has to do with Chickens, I haven't a clue. Just thought you'd like to know!
And Finally, this would be really humorous if it wasn't so nasty! As I've proven, most Chinese use and prefer Eastern toilets. Those crazy, porcelien holes in the floor instead of nice, sanitary western toilet bowls. Which is fine, to each his own right? The problem is, when they go into a fancier place or a place set up for us, such as Starbucks or hotels and they are faced with only a toilet bowl, they are still not comfortable using them so instead of sitting down on the toilet like we do, they get up on the seat with their shoes and squat over the hole. HILARIOUS, until you are a westerner who has had quite a bit of Club Soda, really need to pee, finally make it into a bathroom WITH a western toilet and you have to hop up and down trying not to wet yourself while you a friggin' hosing shoe prints of the seat. I mean, COME ON CHINA IT'S NOT THAT BAD!!!!!!
And there I will leave you. Until next week, enjoy your normalcy!
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
O bu ni mei you! Chinese for
Did you miss me? You know you did, you know my random, nonsense is your newest guilty pleasure. Who needs the real housewives when you can check in with the craziness that is Prissy's life! I am the Real House wife of Shenzhen!
So we are near the end of Lunar New Year's Festivities. THANK GOD, it's insane. Fireworks every night, the city lite up in red lanterns like some cheap hooker, and just the normal chaos that exists when people get time off. More drinking, more carousing, more ugliness. I don't think I could take this holiday every year! Beam me up Scottie, cuz these peeps are CRAZY when it's allowed.
We escaped into Dubai for some of it. Ladies, it is retail paradise. Every store, every item, every thing you could ever buy or dream of is right there in a pristine store window. We shopped and shopped and shopped until even I could not shop anymore. Everything is in a mall. The Dubai mall has the indoor ski area and a bowling alley. The Emirates Mall has the largest building in the world. Stores so big, Armani has a cafe inside so you can rest, because in that store alone there is too much. It is commerce heaven. I think I may have left some fingernail marks on the plane.
And speaking of plane. We flew Emirates Airlines, the Boeing 800 Airbus. That's right ladies, if you saw Sex and the City 2, it's the exact same 2 story plane they flew to Abu Dhabi, with the private rooms and everything. The largest plane in the air to date. In fact no movie was more spot on and accurate about the United Arab Emirates than that movie. It was EXACTLY as in the movie.
But enough about that, even thinking back on it exhausts me. Just wanted to fill you in as promised.
Meanwhile back in the People's Republic of China, things are running smooth. Making friends, little one back to school, big one back to bitching about work. All returned to it's normal sphere.
Which leads me back to the oddities and errs that is expat life.......
So yesterday morning I decide to make the not too often necessary trek to Wal-Mart. I hate this place, but sometimes it is the only place for those random but totally necessary items, like umbrellas, child safety locks *to keep someone out of the fridge*, etc. So I take a private car there, no problem, best way to travel, but am forced to take a taxi back.
Taxis here are not your best method. The cars are old and usually smell like 20 years of chain smoking, the drivers are rude and act like they are doing you a favor by offering to take you somewhere, and they are more expensive than the private cars. But standing outside Wally World laden down with bags, in a cold drizzle, I had no choice, so I hailed one of these offensive asses on wheels. Stuck in traffic, cuz hey every time you go anywhere you begin or end stuck in traffic and suddenly this HORRIFIC smell smacks me in the face. You guessed it, not only was my cab driver an asshole, he had the POOTS!!!! I don't think there is any worse gas than Chinese, local cuisine Gas. And I know that that's what it was, because anyone who eats here has caused this smell themselves at one time or another. There is no smell quite like it! I couldn't breathe. I couldn't vomit. I couldn't escape. He sits there acting like nothing happened while this green cloud fills up the entire car. Why in this country do I always seem to be gasping for air from one thing or another. Seriously folks, I need air! What was I supposed to do? If I rolled down the window and stuck my head out like Benji on holiday he would know why! These are the times when I need to be fluent in Mandarin, so I could have been helpful, you know, lean across the front seat, put my hand supportive like on his shoulder and say hey, if you need to eat yesterdays Dim Sum to say a few Yuan, I totally understand, but I don't think the discovery of a dead, American lady is going to look good on your next job performance review, so crack a window before I get Jackie Chan on your ass!
And lastly, my Where is the common sense in this moment highlight of the week......
I have been in and around the Oil and Gas industry all of my adult life. There is no industry quite like it. ISO numbers, Accident free work days, and Safety First mantras are their number one concern (for the public anyway.) Meetings are held, bonuses given, parties thrown all in the hopes of making safety their number one priority. Not so much here.
Yesterday afternoon, while, you guessed it, stuck in traffic, I look over to a CNOC gas station. CNOC being China National Oil Company. Now we are all familiar with gas stations. At the pumps there is an Emergency Shut Off Button, A fire Extinguisher, a 1-800 number to call in case of emergency. All to ensure safety of those at the pumps. Guess what they had at this station for emergencies. I kid you NOT, 2 shovels and a pile of sand in the corner of the lot. Yes indeed folks, if you start a gas fire, you better get your butt to shoveling!
That's should be enough to satisfy you closet Blog addicts. So I will end with a piece of sage advice my brother-in-law gave me one year....I can't help you unless your dead!
Til next week my loves!
So we are near the end of Lunar New Year's Festivities. THANK GOD, it's insane. Fireworks every night, the city lite up in red lanterns like some cheap hooker, and just the normal chaos that exists when people get time off. More drinking, more carousing, more ugliness. I don't think I could take this holiday every year! Beam me up Scottie, cuz these peeps are CRAZY when it's allowed.
We escaped into Dubai for some of it. Ladies, it is retail paradise. Every store, every item, every thing you could ever buy or dream of is right there in a pristine store window. We shopped and shopped and shopped until even I could not shop anymore. Everything is in a mall. The Dubai mall has the indoor ski area and a bowling alley. The Emirates Mall has the largest building in the world. Stores so big, Armani has a cafe inside so you can rest, because in that store alone there is too much. It is commerce heaven. I think I may have left some fingernail marks on the plane.
And speaking of plane. We flew Emirates Airlines, the Boeing 800 Airbus. That's right ladies, if you saw Sex and the City 2, it's the exact same 2 story plane they flew to Abu Dhabi, with the private rooms and everything. The largest plane in the air to date. In fact no movie was more spot on and accurate about the United Arab Emirates than that movie. It was EXACTLY as in the movie.
But enough about that, even thinking back on it exhausts me. Just wanted to fill you in as promised.
Meanwhile back in the People's Republic of China, things are running smooth. Making friends, little one back to school, big one back to bitching about work. All returned to it's normal sphere.
Which leads me back to the oddities and errs that is expat life.......
So yesterday morning I decide to make the not too often necessary trek to Wal-Mart. I hate this place, but sometimes it is the only place for those random but totally necessary items, like umbrellas, child safety locks *to keep someone out of the fridge*, etc. So I take a private car there, no problem, best way to travel, but am forced to take a taxi back.
Taxis here are not your best method. The cars are old and usually smell like 20 years of chain smoking, the drivers are rude and act like they are doing you a favor by offering to take you somewhere, and they are more expensive than the private cars. But standing outside Wally World laden down with bags, in a cold drizzle, I had no choice, so I hailed one of these offensive asses on wheels. Stuck in traffic, cuz hey every time you go anywhere you begin or end stuck in traffic and suddenly this HORRIFIC smell smacks me in the face. You guessed it, not only was my cab driver an asshole, he had the POOTS!!!! I don't think there is any worse gas than Chinese, local cuisine Gas. And I know that that's what it was, because anyone who eats here has caused this smell themselves at one time or another. There is no smell quite like it! I couldn't breathe. I couldn't vomit. I couldn't escape. He sits there acting like nothing happened while this green cloud fills up the entire car. Why in this country do I always seem to be gasping for air from one thing or another. Seriously folks, I need air! What was I supposed to do? If I rolled down the window and stuck my head out like Benji on holiday he would know why! These are the times when I need to be fluent in Mandarin, so I could have been helpful, you know, lean across the front seat, put my hand supportive like on his shoulder and say hey, if you need to eat yesterdays Dim Sum to say a few Yuan, I totally understand, but I don't think the discovery of a dead, American lady is going to look good on your next job performance review, so crack a window before I get Jackie Chan on your ass!
And lastly, my Where is the common sense in this moment highlight of the week......
I have been in and around the Oil and Gas industry all of my adult life. There is no industry quite like it. ISO numbers, Accident free work days, and Safety First mantras are their number one concern (for the public anyway.) Meetings are held, bonuses given, parties thrown all in the hopes of making safety their number one priority. Not so much here.
Yesterday afternoon, while, you guessed it, stuck in traffic, I look over to a CNOC gas station. CNOC being China National Oil Company. Now we are all familiar with gas stations. At the pumps there is an Emergency Shut Off Button, A fire Extinguisher, a 1-800 number to call in case of emergency. All to ensure safety of those at the pumps. Guess what they had at this station for emergencies. I kid you NOT, 2 shovels and a pile of sand in the corner of the lot. Yes indeed folks, if you start a gas fire, you better get your butt to shoveling!
That's should be enough to satisfy you closet Blog addicts. So I will end with a piece of sage advice my brother-in-law gave me one year....I can't help you unless your dead!
Til next week my loves!
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