Come with us as we make our way from Good Ole' Texas to fabulous Hong Kong, China.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Eastern Footprints on a Western Toilet.

They shoot the white girl first in Paradise.

Okay, this has been a psycho week for sure, but more emotionaly than culturaly. I have been a Bi-Polar Bear set on rapid cycle. Dare I blame the meds.?

But I did not fail to notice some extreme tid bits for you to chew on this week!

Let's start with the humongous recipe for failure that was Husky Energy's Lunar New Year party last Friday night. I am now convinced it was all a plot by Chinese women to make us Westerner's feel really, really, friggin' fat! (just incase we don't already!) Obviously they have no idea the insecurities that reside in every warm blooded American woman!

So Husky plans this So-Fab party last Friday night. Now in the states So-Fab parties are sooooo simple. Decent food, OPEN BAR, and Done! Right?

Not so in this always the opposite country! Here the childish imaginations of the Chinese are set free and it's not pretty folks. Chuck E. Cheese all they way and they love it! So, it was therefore decided that this party of course have an ulra-cheesy theme. They chose "Shanghai in the 20's". Wow, this screamed nightmare for us white ladies from the word GO! First we all had to buy traditional dresses. Now you would think that nothing would turn me on more than a company demand for me to spend Dan's money, but this was just too big and so ofcourse I put it off until I was down to the final week. Some helpful friends told me that they had "Ready Made" dresses in a shopping enormi called Louhou. So we all make a date a trek out there. Not an easy jog let me tell you. And yes, there were stores and stores of ready made dresses (MAYBE FOR BARBIE). Apparently the term "Western Sizes" does not include owning Child Bearing width Hips or shall I dare say it, BREASTS!!!!!! Yes folks, items of which Iadmit I have more than my fair share of both!
So by this point, an hour of china traffic, a huge, crappy mall I have never been to, and now I am stressing! I have exactly one week to find what I will never, ever find. A dress I can zip up!
Finally it is suggested that I just buy the fabric and have it custom made. So, in 4 days and at only DOUBLE the price I finally get to haul my BFA back out there to pick up my custom made, tailor fitted nightmare of a garment!  So the big party arrives. All of us show up at the Kempinsky hotel's ballroom. and my jaw drops! Only us westerners are wearing the suggested clothing. The Chinese are not! So, we all look like Wanna-Be Veitnamese Hookers while the Chinese girls are dressed elegantly in Modern Formal Wear! To this I scream, WTF! The Chinese can not stick to their own freakin' plan! They just don't have enough common sense. But otherwise, the food was nasty, the ass kissing exhausting, and we were finally allowed to go home!

Now for a little Asian Humor...........(if that even exists)

For those of you geography drop-outs like myself, Shenzhen is on the Southern most tip of China. We live along a coastline with no beach. So the city is long and thin rather than wide and open, because there is Water on one side and Mountains on the other and the city just winds along the coast. I'm telling you this because there is one major street called Nanhai Blvd. which is alot like Hwy. 6. Two Starbucks, all the restaurants and banks, and of course Wal-Mart. On the North of this main street is where most apartments are like ours and also Jingshan Villas which is the Chevron founded compound where oil industry families live and where the International School is. Now, one the south side of Nanhai is a place commonly referred to simply as "Chicken Street". I have no idea why! It is simply a back street that I never have any need to go on so I have not until recently paid it any attention. That was until I went to the S.O.S. Medical Clinic which is located on Chicken Street. But guess what else is on Chicken street. No, not one Chicken but about 10 whore houses and many more nasty clubs! All with very imaginative names like; Good Love, Rabbit Hole, Long Drinks, etc. Oh yes, it's a veritable feast for any gross, desperate, horny westerner to go find a good time and is fully stocked with poor, hoochie chinese girls who are hoping to find love and a Green Card! Still, what this has to do with Chickens, I haven't a clue. Just thought you'd like to know!

And Finally, this would be really humorous if it wasn't so nasty! As I've proven, most Chinese use and prefer Eastern toilets. Those crazy, porcelien holes in the floor instead of nice, sanitary western toilet bowls. Which is fine, to each his own right? The problem is, when they go into a fancier place or a place set up for us, such as Starbucks or hotels and they are faced with only a toilet bowl, they are still not comfortable using them so instead of sitting down on the toilet like we do, they get up on the seat with their shoes and squat over the hole. HILARIOUS, until you are a westerner who has had quite a bit of Club Soda, really need to pee, finally make it into a bathroom WITH a western toilet and you have to hop up and down trying not to wet yourself while you a friggin' hosing shoe prints of the seat. I mean, COME ON CHINA IT'S NOT THAT BAD!!!!!!

And there I will leave you. Until next week, enjoy your normalcy!

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